"Soulful Gifts to Lift The Spirit"

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

When is it Not Appropriate to Give a Sympathy Gift?


There is NEVER an excuse to not acknowledge the death of a loved one with someone you know, whether it's a human or a pet.

I wonder how many friendships/relationships get scarred or end because of someone's careless disregard for the feelings of someone who is grieving?

Death is hard on everyone, even if you've never been through it personally. But one day, unfortunately, you will experience the death of a friend or a loved one because that's just part of life. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier; that's just the way it is.

You may not know what to say to the person who is hurting, so you say nothing. This is as bad as saying something totally inappropriate while trying to make the bereaved feel better. You can be so choked up inside, so afraid that you will burst out crying because you, too, miss the wonderful soul who is now gone, feel so much for the person who is grieving, so worried about what to say, but all that is needed is something as simple as "I am so sorry for your loss." Period. Even if you can't bring yourself to actually verbalize those words, a simple sympathy card or short handwritten note by you will more than suffice.

Our economy has affected so many of us on so many levels. I've personally walked around with only one dollar in my wallet for a month. On more than one occasion. Money's tight, no doubt about it. But gift-giving CAN be free.

A really great gift that doesn't cost a dime is the gift of listening. Write a note, send a sympathy card, and offer the gift of your time to sit and listen to your friend or loved one just talk. A "I know you are hurting. I am here for you" goes a long, long way. Trust me on this. This person may never take you up on your offer, but they will certainly remember the kindness you extended. If they do take you up on your offer, you can be sure that one day when you're in your time of need, they will return the favor. You will want someone on your side who has "been there."

The gift of listening should have no expiration date. The first year is the worst as the person who is grieving is reliving all the "anniversaries" and remembering what was happening at that certain time of the year the previous year. Losing a loved one can take years to get over, and some of us never get over our losses. We do, however, learn to get "around" our losses. Please be patient, kind, and compassionate in the meantime.

My mother was the most important person in my life. She was my best friend. 22 years later, and I miss her dearly. I was so attached to her that I feared her death from before I was five years old. Relatives told me it was because we were separated once when I went into the hospital as a baby to recover from the croup. For as long as I could remember, I dreaded the day my mother would leave me. My mother died soon after my 25th birthday. It was THE worst time of my life.

One year, on one of the anniversaries of my mother's death, I was quiet and sad. What was wrong with me, my then-boyfriend wanted to know. So I told him. The worst response in the world he could have ever said was, "She's dead. So what? Get over it!" In total disbelief, I didn't know how to respond because I'm not the type of person who will retaliate with "I can't wait for YOUR mother to die so you can know what it feels like." Instead I said, "Well, I see this is another topic we can't discuss," and proceeded to "file" that moment away in my head. Of course the file cabinet in my head got full -- with that being the first clear, defined moment I knew I couldn't trust this person with my whole heart -- that eventually the relationship ended. Yes, I received an apology. But too late. The damage was done. Forever.

Another point in my adult life after losing my dogs Tasha and Niki, I was talking on the telephone about my devastation with a long-time friend of mine. Because she had no point of reference and had never known the unconditional love of a pet, I guess the conversation got too uncomfortable for her -- it didn't seem to matter that it was my heart that had been ripped into a million pieces -- and she callously said, "Can we change the subject?" and went on to whatever was more important for her.

Yep, I've known some real "gems" in my life, but I embrace the lessons I learned from them, the scars I received, and now embrace the person I am because of them.

Giving a gift doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Giving a gift of the heart is so rewarding, is memorable, and is absolutely free. Never forget there is someone you know who needs you during their time of loss but might be too proud to ask. They shouldn't have to ask. Just reach out and let them know you care.

Courage For The Cure


Being home sick for the good part of two weeks with a virus that seems to be popping up everywhere this winter, I've had a lot of time on my hands to be cranky and depressed and just all around feeling crummy. I know we all can't be at the top of our game all the time, but that's not easy for someone like me who always likes to be productive. Maybe it's a woman thing, I don't know.

Getting sick is the body's way of saying slow down. When you don't listen, it's going to stop you dead in your tracks, whether you have the time to be sick or not. Too bad! Being sick brought out the petulant baby in me, and I haven't liked her.

I have had some bursts of energy while being sick, though. I accomplished something I'm proud of, something that made me feel good, something that is going to bring a lot of "Pink Ribbon ladies" comfort, something that will remind them always that they are loved and cared for and supported: my Courage For The Cure Gift Basket.

While I was inspired and still energetic, I also created my Serenity For Nurses Gift Basket, for the sometimes underappreciated and underpaid earth angels who do so much to give us comfort when we find ourselves facing some challenging times with our health.

You will find the Courage For The Cure and Serenity For Nurses Gift Baskets in the Hope, Faith & Encouragement section of the gift shop. It is my hope that the special women in your life love the gift baskets as much as I enjoyed creating them. May they bring peace, hope, and encouragement to all who receive them.

Once again I find myself humbled by the latest message I received by being sick and having to slow down for a while. I'm extremely lucky that my prescriptions should have me back to feeling great in no time. I know other people aren't so lucky.

The petulant baby is gone and is finally going to sleep well tonight.